whats left now

http://www.pretzelsrgood.blogspot.com

2006-02-16T06:36:00.000-11:00

........for those interested my new blog has already been started......its about the now.....and the future....and hopefully good things to come..........i did taint it already with a discouraging post, but now i believe it was for a reason because good came out of it......

island

2006-01-16T09:15:00.000-11:00

........it is like this, here we are, dealing with the conseqences of choices.....not just one persons choice but many.......we are out in the middle of a huge ocean......capsized.....clinging to a buoy......one by one different boats pass us.......some wave and say 'hey how are you, hang in there'......some say hop on i'll take you to the next buoy..........so we hop a ride to the next buoy.....and again, some ride by and wave, some just ride by, some take a detour, but again there are those that say 'hop on i'll take you to the next buoy'.............here we are clinging to our last buoy .......we've gotten rides from so many that unconditionally care.........there are no more buoy's.....and the water is shallow and rocky.........i see the island in the distance............it's time to swim alone......and when we reach the island, we'll rest a while, recoup and then be ready for the swim to the mainland.........................................................................................................................
thanks to all of you who gave up your time and took us to the next buoy, you will not be forgotten................

emily's poem

2005-12-29T06:23:00.000-11:00

.......this is a poem by my daughter emily...........she's her fathers girl......

I am From.....

I am from journals full
Old writing
Home made cards, "Lemlin"
And chaotic kids running

I am from a pile of dirt
Lying next to the broom
Warm, buttered bread
And my brother's ink smelling
Room

I am from "I'll clean up tonight"
Pumpkin pie
And "It'll be alright"

I am from a dirty pond at the end of
The street
"dazzle"
And on the eve of my birthday my
dad and ice cream

I am from a "for sale" sign
A big family tree
And saying goodbye

I am from "I love you"
Caramel apples,
And starting off new

.....to dale.....

2005-12-08T06:42:00.000-11:00

from the words of one of your favorite bands.........i dedicate this to you......

forever is a mountain weve yet to climb
tears are a part of what is yet to leave behind
strength in numbers all you need is two
everyones a winner yet still so many lose
the volume of emotion erupting in our soul
a quiet revelation quickly takes a hold
patience is a virtue but she wont always wait
dissension is the tension its what weve learned to hate....
......yes, now we are finding who we are
cause we can see forever
i know its been said so many times before
i once was blind but now i see
and sometimes it just makes no sense
but i believe yeah
we are finding who we are

......i love you.....

lessons learned in 49 days

2005-12-02T13:53:00.000-11:00

.......don't ever think you know how people will react when you are in crisis.....you will be disappointed......never think you are at your strongest....you aren't.....never think you are at your weakest.....you aren't......i really don't get some verses in scripture that i always thought i understood....they just don't make sense when you seem to prove them wrong.......i'm tired of crying.....my husband loves me more than i thought.....my kids love me more than i thought....i love them more than i thought......church follows more protocol than most businesses i know......what does faith mean?....faithful?.....faithfulness?......not sure anymore......people that really pray have true peace and joy in their lives.......how is it that i really know who is praying for me.......i understand why some people want nothing to do with god or church.....we waste alot of time on stupid stuff............christians wear masks...why can't we just be ourselves.....my children are smarter than alot of adults i know......my children are more forgiving than alot of adults i know........i think my toes brushed rock bottom........why are people christians, really?.......is it a noun or a verb?........there aren't many things we know for sure......but i do know this......the past is the past, you can try to erase things, but it still leaves the paper all fuzzy and grey, i've given the wrong people the pencil at times, sometimes a pen, sometimes a permanent marker.......the future is a book with blank pages, i am chosing carefully who i let use the pen......what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, but teaches you to have your guard up......i'm done with traditional, convenient, lazy christianity, done, when i decide to pull up my old proverbial bootstraps and say to god "i'm ready again", it won't be like before, it won't be just bootstraps i pull up....i'm putting on the wet suit and diving in.......not wading around in it.................i still really love pretzels, only when i share a bag with dale...........dale makes the best coffee in the world, someday, if you are one of the lucky ones, you'll get to have a cup, while we tell you how happy we are and how far we've come..........

.....pretzels ARE good.....

2005-11-07T10:48:00.000-11:00

a true ramble...what its like in my head...how do you shut off the thought process...?...i want to...how do you stop thinking about the huge pink elephant?.........do you ever feel really small?.....do you ever feel like a child, asking god a question, and he keeps saying, 'yeah, just one minute?......how about finding yourself in the middle of a crisis.....like never before.....and you truly feel like you have to start over........not so much like everything is wiped clean and you have a 'clean slate', but more like one of those dry erase boards.....that someone used permanent marker on....and you are trying to get it off.....with a cheap tissue......have you ever felt every emotion at the same time.........cliches are really stupid sometimes.....'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger'......well i'm not dead and i feel weaker than ever........its weird to be so stressed that the 'normal' things of life seem a waste of time..........i asked dale to give me a lobotomy this week.....he said no................its really amazing to fly over miles and miles of farmland....it made me think of an analogy.....i actually get tired of looking at life through analogies but, whatever........from up in the air the acres and acres of farms reminded me of a quilt.....all i saw was all these cool patterns and colors, it was really beautiful....it made me think of how different it is close up.....if i drove down any one of those roads all i would notice was ordinary little farm houses and barns.......just the little things.....it struck me that even the farmers don't get to appreciate all their work.....in seconds i flew over hundreds of hours of hard work......ok......the analogy?....make up your own........the other day dale & i were sitting around....deciding what mind-numbing activity we could embark on......chose ...a movie..............i got up and got a bowl of pretzels....i walked into the living room and said 'i like to snack on pretzels'.........dale said 'pretzels are good'.....it made us laugh for about 10 minutes....................................crisis does weird things to you..........

.......weeds in my heart....

2005-11-02T07:43:00.000-11:00

i'm not a gardener, but can fully understand the concept........plant...feed...grow....pretty common concept.........

i was daydreaming the other day.....about a garden.......overgrown......ugly.......dry......rotting fruit everywhere......it was overwhelming to see.....even in my mind.....i wanted to see life...but all i saw was death.....so i imagined walking in to the garden, taking a rake, hoe, or whatever gardeners use, and just started ripping it apart, it was actually a bit violent as i pictured it....just tearing it up....dirt flying everywhere.....sticks.....dried up fruit and flowers......it was a mess.....then a gardener showed up......and gently took the tools away from me........i asked him to help me get rid of all the junk.......all the dead stuff....all the rotting stuff.......he said........'oh........no.......we're gonna USE all of
that......it'll make some great soil'......so my overgrown, ugly, dry, rotting garden is being painfully churned up........it'll take a while.......it'll take help........but i can't wait to see what the gardener plants in there.......

.

catch it now..........it's up for deletion......serious venting

2005-10-11T04:48:00.000-11:00

......we watched a movie last night......crash.....it was pretty much about racial and cultural stereotypes in our country, although it was set in los angeles......i wanted to dismiss the extremes they portrayed in the movie as if that must just be a los angeles thing....it was depressing...they didn't really leave out many 'groups'....the thing that disturbed me was they way i felt about my own race.....am i that way?....do i act like i'm at the top of the totem pole as far as cultures and races go?....i sure hope not.....i feel as though i'm accepting of everyone......color.....size....religion....culture....not that i'm always comfortable in every particular environment.......but is there anything wrong with that?.....i mean, not being comfortable in every environment.....isn't it normal to feel the most comfortable.....or safe in the environment i've grown up in?......how culturally diverse are we supposed to be?......i think it's possible to love everyone around you and still live your life 'as you know it'.......can we do what we are 'supposed' to do and stay 'in the box'?........how many different cultures did jesus expose himself to?.........honestly....i want to relate to different cultures but it's kind of hard when i'm part of the soccer mom suburbia right now.......i can definitely relate to the mom i sit next to at gwen & emily's soccer games.....or the bus driver that picks up my kids......or the cashier at stop & shop down the road......or the people that work next to me at the journal.....but i don't know if i can understand why a person in the inner city feels slighted by our society.....how do i relate to that?.....it's never happened to me....sad but true.....i've had an easy life pretty much............
so..........the movie..........if you rent it........there are a couple scenes that may be offensive, but overall it makes you think about whether or not you tend to stereotype and judge........sadly enough i haven't come to a conclusion about how i feel about stereotyping......some of it simply is true......that's what makes our country diverse.....each 'group' has it's own little 'things'.....ways we live.....ways we react.....what makes us happy.....what makes us angry......i just wouldn't call it racist......we are all different.........am i a pathetic american.....?.....sucked in by the stereotypes?..
maybe.......i just don't get offended if people stereotype me, because i know it's reality at times....
...........................ok....................this may soon be deleted...........................

.....in your eyes.....

2005-10-09T12:35:00.000-11:00

........i heard this song tonight....it's such a great, classic song....i love it....somehow the words just hit me in a spiritual way tonight......

Love i get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When i want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way i go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, i want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat i see in your eyes

Love, i don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away

practice what you preach?

2005-09-27T13:05:00.000-11:00

....so i was talking to a woman today.....she doesn't go to church.......we got to talking and she asked some generic questions about my church.....then she asked...."about how many of your parishoners are practicing christians?".....i laughed and she looked at me funny.....she was serious.....practicing christians...as if to imply that there would be some that weren't?......so in my pause...she felt obligated to explain......"you know, those who actually do what they believe, you know, not just on sunday."......honestly, i did not know what to say........do i practice what i believe?.........what should we be "practicing"?

........glass doll syndrome

2005-09-24T13:26:00.000-11:00

.........i was cleaning gwen's room one day and picked up her glass doll.......it was completely broken....except for the head......funny thing was.........you couldn't tell......the dress held in all the broken pieces and she looked fine.......all held together by a beautiful dress......i wouldn't have even known had i not picked it up off of the floor........where it had been since it had fallen........isn't it amazing how that dress held all the pieces together.........funny how we don't notice some things are broken until we actually have contact with them.........

.........blah blah blah......same old same old...from jen

2005-09-24T13:15:00.000-11:00

.....do you ever wonder how many times in a day god must sigh and roll his eyes at us?....i know just being a parent that i get exasperatd OFTEN, and yet god in his perfectness must get so disgusted at our repeated offenses....not just the things we do, but the things we don't do.... .......................deleted the rest......lol

happiness is.....

2005-09-20T12:48:00.000-11:00

.....ok, that was all way too deep.....it's still me........i need a brain break....remember that post i had??...i'm just venting......

.......so what makes you happy....i don't want any philosophical answers please....

.....for me..(in no particular order).....i love to laugh.....i love getting cards from my sister......i love haagen daas ice cream.....i love twizzlers and cordial cherries.....i love watching a good old movie with emily......i love when dale makes me laugh.....i love to watch audrey and gwen play together.....i love to see little kids flock around my son......i love pizza, even frozen.....i love having a really good friend who listens to everything and doesn't judge me.....i love autumn......i love 80's music....i love my grandma......i guess that's enough for now.......

read it quick, i may delete it soon....part 2........see below first maybe?

2005-09-20T12:37:00.000-11:00

.....ok....i just read my post.....i don't have a problem with fellowship.....bible studies.....or scripture memorization.....i'm trying to ward off attacks......

.....i just think some people put way too much emphasis and energy into them....in a way it's a little selfish....honestly i miss bible study.....we used to host it at our house.....i miss the study....i miss the fellowship (what a corny word, let's 'ship with the fellows?....)...anyway......it's just.....well, do i need to clarify?......it's the priority.....it's the balance.....i think it can be a cop-out for us....."i'm not in a good place, i just need to focus on god for myself"......blah blah blah......i went through depression, i've been through alot of crap in my life and still tend to struggle in areas....but i know the only way 'out' is by serving others.....serving myself just feeds into to the 'woe is me' syndrome....i like what i heard a friend/pastor say once.....he said 'if every bible was wiped off the face of the earth, we'd still have enough knowledge in us to push us on to do what god expects of us'....i'm not advocating that we stop reading our bibles, but it's not all about that....it's almost like getting a box of your favorite chocolates (i'm a girl, guys make it a video game).....and you are with a group of your friends......you have this giant box of chocolates.......you open it up......pull out the nutritional information and read it over and over and over to your friends.....you quote it to your neighbors.....you copy it down and memorize it....you are amazing at it......people marvel......but the actual chocolates sit and rot......because you are selfish? i don't know, you finish the analogy......oh well.....this has been quite a rant for the night.......who knows it may get deleted......lol

........read it quick.....it may get deleted.....

2005-09-20T12:34:00.000-11:00

....why do people go to church?......what exactly does 'serving god' mean?...honestly i just don't get it....why do i go?.....well, i go because i feel it is important to come together and have a day where we can build each other up......i go because i hope i can uplift someone....somehow.....i don't go to get fed.....i really don't.....is that wrong?......no, i don't think so.......because for some reason even though i feel that way......i always seem to 'get fed'......the real 'feeding' takes place when i take my eyes off myself and focus on someone else......there is nothing like really listening to someone.....looking for that moment where you can encourage them....it is so rewarding to see that you've gotten through to someone.....that feeds me....yeah, i like the worship.....and i like the teaching/preaching.....but, for me church is not my 'recharging'......to be honest, sometimes it knocks the wind out of my sails.....only because it can be discouraging to be around some who attend church to 'be fed' and not do any feeding.......am i alone here.....why do we pretend......i hope i don't delete this post.......why is it that the same handful of people do all the work......why is that?......can it be that the others are 'too busy'......just for the record.......everyone is busy......not to mention the fact that if we look at doing god's work as 'another thing on our list of busy things'.......we are missing the point....i'm the first one to admit i'm not where i should be, but what has been frustrating me is the apathy i see in christians in general.......what is the most important thing?.......i just don't know anymore......what i do know is this.....when i share not only stories of what god can do for you with people...but i also share how i struggle and how being a christian doesn't make my life perfect......i get more peoples attention than when i become a so self-centered that i'm 'so heavenly minded that i'm no earthly good'......it's ok to be real.......i know one thing.....when i get to heaven i don't want god to say..."well, done, my complacent, well rested servant.....you know my word backwards and forwards and have committed much of it to memory.....well, done.....and although you didn't GO like i told you to, you certainly mastered the art of fellowship.....i admire how you didn't miss a bible study....even though you missed all those opportunities to share about me out in the real world.........depart from me......i never knew you"

woolly mammoth

2005-09-19T04:43:00.000-11:00

....if i could market real belly laughter...i would be rich...there is nothing like laughing so hard it makes you cry....takes away your stress for a while....and brings people together like nothing else.....but why is it that when you try to relate what was hysterical at the time to someone who wasn't there, it just doesn't come across the same??

.....so i won't even try....but there are those who will understand the depth of humor when they remember....the woolly mammoth caterpillar......oh, don't look it up....it doesn't exist....

venting............

2005-08-21T09:15:00.000-11:00

......i do not like to jog.....i makes me sweaty and gives me cramps....but i was thinking the other day after dale & i had a conversation about some stuff that we were frustrated about.....and though i tend not to use analogies....this one just literally came to me with no effort......

......you see people jog alot.....on treadmills.....on tracks(is that what they are called?)...and on the street......it made me think...........am i stuck on the treadmill of life?......just running in place, going NOWHERE.....nothing changing around me.......all alone, still getting the exercise i need but using something else to help move me along.......hmmm....then i thought.....or am i on a racetrack......running in circles.....with the other regulars.......enjoying what's going on around me.......letting others see me run and do well at it.......or last but not least........am i out on the street.......braving traffic.....going uphill.......going downhill......entering new environments......meeting new people everywhere......not just joggers..............

i don't know......i don't even have a great conclusion or moral to this........all i know is......it seems like church tends to be one huge treadmill sometimes.....get off the stinkin' treadmill....

yummy

2005-08-21T09:07:00.000-11:00

.....remember the first time you had doritos?..........

.....doritos are yummy....

ripped....missing pages.....

2005-08-17T10:49:00.000-11:00

i've always believed i was basically an open book type person....the older i get i realize that if i were to describe my life as a book....it would have all the typical characteristics of an almost 40 year old book......

.......some torn pages.....some missing pages.....some marked pages....some highlighted pages....
....i know people use the book/life analogy alot....but i wasn't thinking of it in the traditional sense....it kind of struck me when i realized that it's ok to keep some pages to myself for now and someday i may just put those pages back in my book or may just throw them out....but for the most part i'm pretty much an open book...my cover is getting older....but it adds character......hey at least it still has it's spine.....

late night quote reading......

2005-08-16T00:14:00.000-11:00

.............i like reading quotes......

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.: Mark Twain

....agree or disagree.....??

think quick......

2005-08-15T14:17:00.000-11:00

..........ready?
...............as soon as you read the question.....
.......post your answer.......be honest....

.........what's most important to you?

bring on the fall.........

2005-08-13T07:58:00.000-11:00

.....when the air temperature is hotter than our internal body temperature, well, that's just way too hot............

........40 days until fall.......

a week in the life of.....

2005-08-12T04:16:00.000-11:00

not that i'm whining.....but this week has been hec-tic.....i figured i'd document it........a week in the life of a soccer mom.......day one.....sunday.........up in the wee hours to deliver the papers......off to church.....home for a nap....off to prodigy.......day two....monday.....take audrey & gwen to vacation bible school.....off to church for a meeting.....after meeting help fold clothes for school days......home, quick dinner....take emily to soccer practice....home.....day three.....take audrey & gwen to vbs.....errands with emily.....pick up girls.....pick up gabrielle.....go home to get bathing suits for pool w/gabrielle....pool closed.....go to mall instead.....take gabrielle home....go make dinner....take dale to basketball game......day three.....wednesday....take audrey,gwen austin & noah to vbs.....grocery shopping.....down to church to help set up backpack room.....home at 10.....day four.....thursday.....take audrey & gwen to vbs....go pick up a bag of clothes from michelene for school days....home....pick up girls....pick up gabrielle.....go to narragansett to see horse.....take clothes to church....take gabrielle home.....dinner...basketball game......day five.....friday......today.....take audrey, gwen, austin & noah to vbs.......errands with dale(husband)....pick up girls.....pick up gabrielle......errands with gabrielle......take gabrielle home.....pick up emily....meet sabrina at church for school days.....come home at ???...day six.......saturday...........school days..............bed early -hopefully- ......day seven.....sunday.........paper route.......church...............
...........................................funny thing is, i feel full this week.........a good full........................................
.................not the kind of full like i've just eaten a bunch of junk..............but like i've just had a real healthy meal and i feel good.......energized to do more.........i think the only person that got short changed this week was my husband...........sorry dale..............

..........i guess i said all this to say.........i don't know really...........maybe just that right now it's tough, wearing so many hats, so to speak, but in a way it's an honor too.....that i've been given responsibility and i'm finally starting to look at it that way, that god put me here for this and i need to start.......
doing........
IT........
right................
IT....being...................my life.........................

thanks

2005-08-10T15:50:00.000-11:00

thanks..........you know who you are..........thanks to you who really listen..........thanks for sacrificing time and don't remind others you've done it..........thanks for the smile........thanks for the hug........thanks for really listening (i know i said that, but it's important to me).....thanks for telling the truth, even when it's hard to.........thanks for giving..........thanks for helping....thanks for saying yes when no when else does...thanks for saying no when no when else does.....thanks for being like jesus....thanks for caring about my family.....thanks for really listening......thanks for caring about others more than yourself.....thanks for loving what you do......thanks for letting the junk roll off your back....thanks for teaching me to be a better person......thanks.......again.......you know who you are.......there are a few of you........and you know who you are..........thanks for being you............thanks...........you know who you are........

i'm lovin' it........

2005-08-06T08:54:00.000-11:00

so, we watched the movie 'supersize me' last night.....it was very interesting.....it made me realize a couple of things i never thought i'd get out of it........

1. i judge people who jump on (what i call) bandwagons
2. i do not eat healthy at all
3. i completely separate our country into liberal/conservative.....democratic/republican
4. i don't want to continue 1-3
5. i'm not sure i'll ever eat a fast-food burger again
6. mcdonalds fries are not real food

ok....let me explain......#1.........i've always judged people who had weird 'causes'....i'm not sure why...i guess i have just always believed that any cause that seems to take precedence over christianity or evangelistic 'causes' is no good...........#2......speaks for itself......i've come to realize...through watching the movie that we americans tend to poo-poo bad eating habits instead of lumping them in with smoking, drinking, drugging.........#3..........the line is so blurred these days that i'm starting to realize i just need to have my own set of beliefs.....some may blend together from both sides, but as long as they line up with what god expects of me its ok....
#4..........i'm making a conscious effort to change.........at least try.......#5........hmmmmm.........
..............#6................in the movie they hadn't changed composition when stuck in a experimental jar for 2 months.............what do ya make of that????....................

here it is.....

2005-08-04T12:39:00.000-11:00

.....the connection.......every set of lyrics below was written by someone who knows what a relationship with god is all about.....they've all grown up in a fundamental christian home......i just found it sad that all of these people have somehow lost their way.....after my post about 'finding my way' i just was contemplating these lyrics and wondering what happened that would bring these artists to the point of despair and what seems like no hope in their lives....but then i realized, it really doesn't take much.....not even a major life crisis really...sometimes all that happens is that someone close to you has let you down and given you a distorted view of what a christian is.....not that we can ultimately blame anyone else when we reject god, but like i've said before.....i don't want to be a negative point of reference as a christian.........sometimes i feel as though i am but at least i'm aware of it and will continue to keep myself in check.....am i what a christian should be?.....am i drawing others to god?.....or turning others away from god?...........

............i've often wondered if those who have chosen to walk away from following god have an empty space in them that haunts them.....because i often do and i haven't walked away......what is 'walking away'?.....because in these lyrics my first reaction was....'gosh, they wouldn't feel that way if they were still walking with god?'....but is that necessarily true?.....don't we all feel these same things?........why?.....should we always feel complete?.....whole?.....satisfied?....strong?.....
when 'walking with god'?.........................

these are just some things that have been rumbling around in my head lately?......

what's the connection?

2005-07-31T13:29:00.000-11:00

.....the following are different lyrics.........find the connections.....

.....I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can’t seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can’t accept the life that’s mine
No I can’t accept the life that’s mine

Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading love with indifference
yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I’m calloused to the bone
Maybe that’s why I feel alone
Maybe that’s why I feel so alone.....creed

....... And if I make it through today
Will tomorrow be the same
Am I just running in place
And if I stumble and I fall
Should I get up and carry on
Will it all just be the same
Cause I'm young and I'm hopeless
I'm lost and I know this
I'm going nowhere fast thats what they say
I'm troublesome I've fallen
I'm angry at my father
its me against this world and I don't care
I don't care.......................good charlotte

.... Trying to be someone that you know your not
It gets harder everyday
All the lonely days
There's no one left to love
You wish life would go away......ashlee simpson

....Yeah she told me, that if I wasn't good
He would get me, make me pay for
everything I did, and she said
that everybody bad would burn in Hell
I did what she told me and I became
someone else.
I had to run
I had to hide.....kings x

... Blurring and Stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again.....evanescence

i know there are more......but these stood out to me today as i was listening to the radio and thinking................what happened?............can you figured out what all these have in common?....

finding my way.....

2005-07-26T03:58:00.000-11:00

......if i haven't been candid before....i will be now....the following song speaks volumes to me and for me......it is called 'breathing'....by lifehouse


I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace
 
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
 
I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time
 
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now



i really love this song because of its honesty.....the way i interpret it.........i need to be satisfiedwith
just waiting on god....just being quiet......learning to know his presence....shutting everything else
and not expecting anything from him........just stop..........i know we have a job to do.....but....i
personally have been so worried about the job i have to do that i haven't listened to my 'boss' in
a very long time.....not even listened.....just be there....whatever....

i could have highlighted the whole song...but the lines i highlighted....


I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?


i just want to know him.......i don't know him like i should.......i'm gonna take a breath...
.........hold on tight.....spin around, yet one more time, and fall
back, yet one more time, into the arms of grace........
............................................................thank goodness his arms are always there...

posting about not posting

2005-07-09T04:34:00.000-11:00

ok...i don't know if blogging is for me.......i just typed out yet another long semi-deep post, then deleted it........i'm not so sure i want people knowing my deep thoughts.....i'm not so sure i want to have to live up to them..........i like a little mystery about me.....it's funny as much of a talkative person that i think i may be....there's alot rattling around inside that isn't ready to come out yet......actually.....i don't even know if this will make it to the blog...............eh, why not.............i guess i gotta post something...........i'll just keep posting about posting about not posting..............does that make sense?

rainy days

2005-07-08T05:41:00.000-11:00

ya gotta love rainy days....especially the chilly ones....now before you boo and throw tomatoes at me......you cannot argue that hangin' out on a day like today with your family....reading a good book.....watching a good movie....snacking at random...drinking hot coffee in the middle of a july day...........well...it's just the best.........and with that said..............i'm off to work............

Ha Ha! Jesus Can Slam Dunk Over You

2005-07-07T04:41:00.000-11:00

Ha Ha! Jesus Can Slam Dunk Over You
Originally uploaded by fboosman.

i recently saw a t-shirt that said 'what wouldn't jesus do'...it got me thinking...i thought of all the things we do that we think are so..." churchy" (fill in the blank....i was going to list things but then i get carried away)....jesus was a part of the people of his day....and i think if he were here on earth in 2005....he just may be hangin' out in starbucks or even playing basketball....just got me thinkin' that's all..................

what's the deal?

2005-07-05T05:47:00.000-11:00

...................................................so what are webdings for anyway???

i had to post about something insignificant, it's been a while...................

decisions

2005-07-05T04:54:00.000-11:00

decisons.....they are what make us who we are.....they are what make us different......they are what define us..to quote a line from the new batman movie...'it's not who you are underneath, but what you do'...at first i wasn't so sure about that...but then i realized there is alot of truth to that because nobody really knows who we are underneath anyway....we are judged by how we live our lives.....what we do....the decisions we make............. .......i just deleted half this post........i find i get so cynical about things that it doesn't really benefit anyone to read about it............just read between the lines i guess..................sometimes i think i type a post.....then delete it because it was mostly just for me anyway............................................................

random acts

2005-07-02T04:16:00.000-11:00

when i was a kid i remember driving somewhere as a family and my dad pulled up to a toll booth........he decided to pay for the guy behind him........we all swung our heads around to see his reaction and he looked forward at us and gave a big quizzical smile, then waved....that has stuck with me.......you see those bumper stickers 'practice random acts of kindness'.....it's the little things that usually make someone's day...................

sneakers anyone

2005-06-28T04:34:00.000-11:00

falling down is an interesting thing......ok, i don't fall down much, hardly ever actually....in an attempt to win a race sunday, i fell....i cannot believe how much it hurts and how humiliating it was........ok this is where i started to post a little object lesson....you know.....using the verse about running the race......don't give up.....keep your eyes on the prize......i actually had this post completely finished then realized....hmmmmm....how unoriginal......how predictable..............so all i'm going to say is....wow.....i really need to be more active and not wear high heeled flip-flops when i race.....duh

poor dale

2005-06-20T03:13:00.000-11:00

sorry if i am embarassing you dale....................................................

noone

2005-06-20T03:11:00.000-11:00

is it pathetic to laugh out loud at yourself? well, i think that post was hilarious, even if no one else reads it...........is no one one word......no one......noone.....no........it would read like noon if you spelled it that way........

brain break

2005-06-20T03:03:00.000-11:00

sometimes i feel so intellectual in my head....i have thoughts that seem so profound...then i go and read other blogs.............i can't keep up with all the deep analogies and metaphors about life.......where do you people get this stuff....doesn't it hurt your head?...people, people, relax...........watch a stupid sitcom or something.....let it go.....everything is under control.......go get some gimmicky, disgusting kid popsicles, and sit and eat them with your kid......read the stupid riddles on the box........fake laugh until it becomes a real laugh(it works).........stop thinking......i dare you......watch nickelodeon or something........make a really obnoxious noise, really loud so someone hears you.....................this brain break has been brought to you by jen........................

cyberspace bumper-stickering

2005-06-19T11:47:00.000-11:00

i was wondering....why do people do this blogging anyway....the thought came to me as i was overwhelmed the other day because i haven't updated my blog in a couple days...i wondered 'why am i doing this'.....is it to vent my thoughts...do i imagine an audience out there and if so who are they....exactly who is reading this....am i making a point?.....it's like bumper stickers.....what are they for?.....do people really want you to know what they are all about?......do we get some sort of satisfaction from letting others know what we associate with?....who am i???......who do i want others to think i am????....will i actually post this?....is this just for me.....venting...........if i made a bumper sticker what would it say about me......it's kind of a scary thing, this blogging....cyberspace bumper-stickering stuff.....even the titles of the different blogs...say alot....you know...there's nothing new to say.......it's all been said.....it's just up to us who can express it the best now and be the most convincing......i try to think of cool things to write, that will make people go, "wow"....i never thought of that...truth is, it ain't gonna happen....so i guess i'll just try to be original about saying the same old stuff.................i don't think anyone has ever said 'cyberspace bumper-stickering'......i'm sure someone will look it up....if you find it, let me know....it'll just prove my point.....ha ha.....this is my longest post yet, about nothing.....funny stuff

legacy

2005-06-15T02:38:00.000-11:00

ok, it took me 15 minutes to figure out how to post again...now i forgot what i was going to say....

oh yeah, i wanted to post part of a song i really love....it's called legacy by nichole nordeman...

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

how will people remember me? i worry about what people think of me now, but more importantly how much of my life will live on in others? have i made a positive godly impression on anyone? it's so easy to blend in at church, theres no challenge.....the exciting challenge comes outside the church...when people around me in the real world watch and wonder where i got that little something that they don't have yet.....and it's not because i've recited the abc's of salvation...it's because i've taken the time to be their friend and care about their life and listen to the crap they are going through....and not bat an eye when they use profanity....it's then when they see the love i have in me that is not my own....it's then and only then that the moment comes where i don't even need to bring up god...because they do....because they finally get it.....they finally get that the difference is i don't have to sell god to them....because they actually see him in me..even with all my mess ups and mistakes....that's exciting....that is the kind of legacy i want....not that i was a great evangelist....but that i was like jesus....i drew people to him because they saw something in my life that they wanted.....

hoppin' on the wagon.....

2005-06-15T02:21:00.000-11:00

ok, so i joined the blog bandwagon. i figured if my 12 year old can do it, so can i. it's a scary thing posting your thoughts so everyone can read them. maybe that has been my fear....i have so many thoughts rattling around in my head lately that i fear they may be transformed into a post.

whats left now....i was being sarcastic with this blog setup because i could not figure out a name for my blog....so i typed 'whats left now'.....that was an available title...go figure...

the irony is this....it is appropriate for where i am in alot of ways...whats left....where am i....have i done anything with my life...really...sure, all the traditional things that people like to get accolades for....mom...wife....friend.....but what have i really done...

i passed a sign at a church recently that said....."man sees WHAT we do/God sees WHY"......hmmm....got me thinking....

its time to examine the why....and get out of the what...because if the why is in order, the what will follow....