whats left now

........for those interested my new blog has already been started......its about the now.....and the future....and hopefully good things to come..........i did taint it already with a discouraging post, but now i believe it was for a reason because good came out of it......

........it is like this, here we are, dealing with the conseqences of choices.....not just one persons choice but many.......we are out in the middle of a huge ocean......capsized.....clinging to a buoy......one by one different boats pass us.......some wave and say 'hey how are you, hang in there'......some say hop on i'll take you to the next buoy..........so we hop a ride to the next buoy.....and again, some ride by and wave, some just ride by, some take a detour, but again there are those that say 'hop on i'll take you to the next buoy'.............here we are clinging to our last buoy .......we've gotten rides from so many that unconditionally care.........there are no more buoy's.....and the water is shallow and rocky.........i see the island in the distance............it's time to swim alone......and when we reach the island, we'll rest a while, recoup and then be ready for the swim to the mainland.........................................................................................................................
thanks to all of you who gave up your time and took us to the next buoy, you will not be forgotten................

.......this is a poem by my daughter emily...........she's her fathers girl......


I am From.....

I am from journals full
Old writing
Home made cards, "Lemlin"
And chaotic kids running

I am from a pile of dirt
Lying next to the broom
Warm, buttered bread
And my brother's ink smelling
Room

I am from "I'll clean up tonight"
Pumpkin pie
And "It'll be alright"

I am from a dirty pond at the end of
The street
"dazzle"
And on the eve of my birthday my
dad and ice cream

I am from a "for sale" sign
A big family tree
And saying goodbye

I am from "I love you"
Caramel apples,
And starting off new

from the words of one of your favorite bands.........i dedicate this to you......

forever is a mountain weve yet to climb
tears are a part of what is yet to leave behind
strength in numbers all you need is two
everyones a winner yet still so many lose
the volume of emotion erupting in our soul
a quiet revelation quickly takes a hold
patience is a virtue but she wont always wait
dissension is the tension its what weve learned to hate....
......yes, now we are finding who we are
cause we can see forever
i know its been said so many times before
i once was blind but now i see
and sometimes it just makes no sense
but i believe yeah
we are finding who we are


......i love you.....

.......don't ever think you know how people will react when you are in crisis.....you will be disappointed......never think you are at your strongest....you aren't.....never think you are at your weakest.....you aren't......i really don't get some verses in scripture that i always thought i understood....they just don't make sense when you seem to prove them wrong.......i'm tired of crying.....my husband loves me more than i thought.....my kids love me more than i thought....i love them more than i thought......church follows more protocol than most businesses i know......what does faith mean?....faithful?.....faithfulness?......not sure anymore......people that really pray have true peace and joy in their lives.......how is it that i really know who is praying for me.......i understand why some people want nothing to do with god or church.....we waste alot of time on stupid stuff............christians wear masks...why can't we just be ourselves.....my children are smarter than alot of adults i know......my children are more forgiving than alot of adults i know........i think my toes brushed rock bottom........why are people christians, really?.......is it a noun or a verb?........there aren't many things we know for sure......but i do know this......the past is the past, you can try to erase things, but it still leaves the paper all fuzzy and grey, i've given the wrong people the pencil at times, sometimes a pen, sometimes a permanent marker.......the future is a book with blank pages, i am chosing carefully who i let use the pen......what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, but teaches you to have your guard up......i'm done with traditional, convenient, lazy christianity, done, when i decide to pull up my old proverbial bootstraps and say to god "i'm ready again", it won't be like before, it won't be just bootstraps i pull up....i'm putting on the wet suit and diving in.......not wading around in it.................i still really love pretzels, only when i share a bag with dale...........dale makes the best coffee in the world, someday, if you are one of the lucky ones, you'll get to have a cup, while we tell you how happy we are and how far we've come..........

a true ramble...what its like in my head...how do you shut off the thought process...?...i want to...how do you stop thinking about the huge pink elephant?.........do you ever feel really small?.....do you ever feel like a child, asking god a question, and he keeps saying, 'yeah, just one minute?......how about finding yourself in the middle of a crisis.....like never before.....and you truly feel like you have to start over........not so much like everything is wiped clean and you have a 'clean slate', but more like one of those dry erase boards.....that someone used permanent marker on....and you are trying to get it off.....with a cheap tissue......have you ever felt every emotion at the same time.........cliches are really stupid sometimes.....'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger'......well i'm not dead and i feel weaker than ever........its weird to be so stressed that the 'normal' things of life seem a waste of time..........i asked dale to give me a lobotomy this week.....he said no................its really amazing to fly over miles and miles of farmland....it made me think of an analogy.....i actually get tired of looking at life through analogies but, whatever........from up in the air the acres and acres of farms reminded me of a quilt.....all i saw was all these cool patterns and colors, it was really beautiful....it made me think of how different it is close up.....if i drove down any one of those roads all i would notice was ordinary little farm houses and barns.......just the little things.....it struck me that even the farmers don't get to appreciate all their work.....in seconds i flew over hundreds of hours of hard work......ok......the analogy?....make up your own........the other day dale & i were sitting around....deciding what mind-numbing activity we could embark on......chose ...a movie..............i got up and got a bowl of pretzels....i walked into the living room and said 'i like to snack on pretzels'.........dale said 'pretzels are good'.....it made us laugh for about 10 minutes....................................crisis does weird things to you..........

i'm not a gardener, but can fully understand the concept........plant...feed...grow....pretty common concept.........

i was daydreaming the other day.....about a garden.......overgrown......ugly.......dry......rotting fruit everywhere......it was overwhelming to see.....even in my mind.....i wanted to see life...but all i saw was death.....so i imagined walking in to the garden, taking a rake, hoe, or whatever gardeners use, and just started ripping it apart, it was actually a bit violent as i pictured it....just tearing it up....dirt flying everywhere.....sticks.....dried up fruit and flowers......it was a mess.....then a gardener showed up......and gently took the tools away from me........i asked him to help me get rid of all the junk.......all the dead stuff....all the rotting stuff.......he said........'oh........no.......we're gonna USE all of
that......it'll make some great soil'......so my overgrown, ugly, dry, rotting garden is being painfully churned up........it'll take a while.......it'll take help........but i can't wait to see what the gardener plants in there.......




















































.

......we watched a movie last night......crash.....it was pretty much about racial and cultural stereotypes in our country, although it was set in los angeles......i wanted to dismiss the extremes they portrayed in the movie as if that must just be a los angeles thing....it was depressing...they didn't really leave out many 'groups'....the thing that disturbed me was they way i felt about my own race.....am i that way?....do i act like i'm at the top of the totem pole as far as cultures and races go?....i sure hope not.....i feel as though i'm accepting of everyone......color.....size....religion....culture....not that i'm always comfortable in every particular environment.......but is there anything wrong with that?.....i mean, not being comfortable in every environment.....isn't it normal to feel the most comfortable.....or safe in the environment i've grown up in?......how culturally diverse are we supposed to be?......i think it's possible to love everyone around you and still live your life 'as you know it'.......can we do what we are 'supposed' to do and stay 'in the box'?........how many different cultures did jesus expose himself to?.........honestly....i want to relate to different cultures but it's kind of hard when i'm part of the soccer mom suburbia right now.......i can definitely relate to the mom i sit next to at gwen & emily's soccer games.....or the bus driver that picks up my kids......or the cashier at stop & shop down the road......or the people that work next to me at the journal.....but i don't know if i can understand why a person in the inner city feels slighted by our society.....how do i relate to that?.....it's never happened to me....sad but true.....i've had an easy life pretty much............
so..........the movie..........if you rent it........there are a couple scenes that may be offensive, but overall it makes you think about whether or not you tend to stereotype and judge........sadly enough i haven't come to a conclusion about how i feel about stereotyping......some of it simply is true......that's what makes our country diverse.....each 'group' has it's own little 'things'.....ways we live.....ways we react.....what makes us happy.....what makes us angry......i just wouldn't call it racist......we are all different.........am i a pathetic american.....?.....sucked in by the stereotypes?..
maybe.......i just don't get offended if people stereotype me, because i know it's reality at times....
...........................ok....................this may soon be deleted...........................

........i heard this song tonight....it's such a great, classic song....i love it....somehow the words just hit me in a spiritual way tonight......


Love i get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When i want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way i go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, i want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat i see in your eyes

Love, i don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away

....so i was talking to a woman today.....she doesn't go to church.......we got to talking and she asked some generic questions about my church.....then she asked...."about how many of your parishoners are practicing christians?".....i laughed and she looked at me funny.....she was serious.....practicing christians...as if to imply that there would be some that weren't?......so in my pause...she felt obligated to explain......"you know, those who actually do what they believe, you know, not just on sunday."......honestly, i did not know what to say........do i practice what i believe?.........what should we be "practicing"?